Update!

Update!  I was able to finish that practice test.  It did take the duration of the day to accomplish it.  I did not spend the entire day on it (I was also working with Virginia). But the entire duration of the day until I think after midnight later.  I had a 45 min spurt then another(maybe even another 45 min session) then a very long work session that evening (hrs long).  I really wanted to work on it to improve my grades on the actual quizzes.  I hadn't been doing the practice quizzes and it was throwing my quiz grades off.  Just focusing on all the other work to do that I was not taking time for that practice.  Well, tonight I worked on another one of them.  It was intense.  Long work, and challenging.  I like it, but I also just daydream about my (actual) family while I'm working.  (not future but my present family).  I love them all so much and just think about each one of them.

TTYL!
lol.
bye.

here is this, here's that.

Today I am sending an update from the neverlands, the place where I calculate and miss my family.  In other words, I feel alive and a bit free today!  Yet slightly isolated, but I don't really care about that all too much.  Probably because I rested and rejuvenated my soul and also because I took a walk.

Last night was NOT good.  I got to a bad place.  Aka.  I freaked about how much work I had to do and how I couldn't do it.  So I finally turned it over to the One who knows how to do all this *gasp* work.

Mainly this post is for a bit of accountability.  I have tons of work to get done today, but I at least want to accomplish ONE thing.  I am picking--> PRACTICE QUIZ 2.7.  Now, this may seem like an easy task.  Let me tell you about this task--it will most likely take hours.  However, it will make me more prepared for the actual chapter quiz coming up on Monday.  Catch me later!

Prayer requests: please pray for rest and joy from the Lord to be present in my life.
please pray that I would be a blessing to my family.

 amen. ttyl.

Saturday, just another day.

Hello,

Doing jumping jacks was the main thing inspiring me to post today.  So, yes the story is that today I did 20 jumping jacks, dropped off my phone just now to get the screen fixed--Lord, please provide the finances, again--did the dishes for my family (went home to do that), and worked on calculus for 50 min.  I also brought my little sis to dance and home from dance, cleaned the kitchen for my fam and ran two loads of laundry (folded none-there are like already 3-4 loads sitting out to be folded there).  I also have run at least two loads of laundry here at work, some my clothes, some her clothes.  I cared for and woke up the woman I PCA for.  I fed her lunch and dinner, also I got to take a shower, which is wonderful.  I wanted to take one before I worked on CALC, to feel better about myself.  I saw my brother Matthew on his work break when he came home.  It was so wonderful to see him pull in the driveway.  He ate some rice while I did the dishes.

He is fun.  I basically don't live at home anymore which is sad.  But the cool thing is I get to live such a minimalistic life cause I have hardly anything here and most everything is kept at my fam's home.  I'm sad to not be at home anymore.  I miss everyone.  So I go back to visit a lot.  I'm only staying like a minute down the road.

Yesterday I went on a walk to the park and I am so sore as I brought four kids with and carried on in a carrier the whole way.  My shoulders have that glorious workout ache.  I also slept well last night which is amazing.  I am horribly unproductive when I don't get the rest (aka naps after work or sleep in general) that I need.  My schedule is crazy as I put a disabled woman to bed and have to get her up in the morning and get her on the toilet and sometimes give her breakfast all before I go pick up my brother, take him to school, and get to work by 7:45 A.M.  Usually I get there just before 8.
Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted anything on here.  I guess I started a new blog which I can't really continue.  The reason for this "terrible" (not terrible) dilemma is that it was titled "My Journey Through 2016" and it is now 2017.

Funny.

Anyway, it is crazy how fast time flies and I just wanted to record what I did today.

I have to do this quickly because I have loads of Calculus homework ahead of me.  The hum of the washer and dryer are currently keeping me company.  This day feels good.  I have a candle lit.  There are many reasons to be thankful, including the peaceful view of snow and a pond in front of me, none of which I had to pay for to look at.  I have been greatly enjoying Calculus but I do not know how good I am at it.

I had a succcessfull last semester, getting over an A +, well over 100 percent in my Biology class, which I can only thank Jesus for.  I have 9 girls in my life that I get to care for and love and teach, and I can do my own thing (kind of) on weekends.

I am currenly at work.  I live at my PCA job currently, as my client's husband left her last fall.  I have been taking more shifts and she wanted me to stay nightly so that there is someone with her.  It gave me a chance to sort of move out of my family's house which I was in dilemma about (do I do it or not, is it right or not--I had been leaning towards the opinion that it would be bad and rebellious to move out). 

I'm not the greatest writer anymore, I feel like my eloquence is draining, but at least I hope one person will read and benefit.

What else do I do with my life?  I try to be thankful, occasionally writing out thankful lists.  I've had some bad experiences with my dad--I try to live in forgiveness as I too have many sins--and trying to live in honor towards him.  I've had many people leave my friendship list due to marriage or otherwise business with starting families. I'm so thankful for everybody in my life.

Mostly that includes the lady I PCA, and my siblings (excluding Nicole who is far away at college at Trinity International University), and the kids I nanny.  Sunday's are an exciting time for me to actually see people!!  Yay.  I get so excited for church.  I drive my little brother to school every morning as it is relatively on my way to work and also to church on Sundays.  I am mostly always late to church sadly because of my PCA job (she usually asks for a last minute pee so she doesn't pee while I'm gone...) or because I'm not on time, or when I go to pick up my little bro, he takes a long time to still get ready when we should be getting in the car.

I must now get on to Calculus, knowing God has already been letting me do things I was created to do in my PCA job and in nanny-ing.  I get to play a part in these people's lives which I am so thankful for.  Plus it gives me exercise and I get a chance to pour out Jesus's love on them.  I may not be overseas, but I guess Jesus must have some sort of reason for me staying here in MN, laboring away to love on people.

Must get on to Calculus..

Will update later on that...hopefully.

Love,
Ashley

Notes on a Tuesday

today contained at least one pee accident and more than one worship song on.  My heart is glad and this is my time to rest.  (JK) the baby is crying; I should go get her.

Lol such a short blurb -this is more like a mini journal.
xo
Ashley

I was stuck in the star light, BE STILL near the nightfall, beauty of light descending. I watched as my life rolled past me, suddenly, as if asked for.

As I lay, light splashed over my wrist. The back of my hand rested against my mouth, elbow in the air.

I thought then of the times I spent reading books in childhood, and the thought made my heart almost weep.

I thought of grandpa's swing, his lawn, the acres we never explored, the time we wandered outside, I don't remember what, what we were doing. The way of faint childhood memories.

The time I was mad at my cousin for not playing tag. When I bought the lie as a child that to be angry and mad and unforgiving is to be happy. The opposite is true. Grace snatches the parts of our lives that would have been lost. To forgive, to give, to be grace is to be blessed.

I bought the lie. I had bought the lie this year that friendship was what I needed more than the desert. But it was not true. I knew in my head but not in my heart, though the process was undesirable.

I did not want the desert. Its stark contrast from a time of seeming perfection. I knew what I wanted in life was not what could ever truly make me happy, but I still pursued it all in my heart. I wanted presence of all those I loved and lived for. Yet Who I lived for (not enough) called me deeper.

I had come to the crossroads and needed to decide, that to surrender is to win. To be in the desert is to find your song. to be a songbird is to sing to the King. Times would come when I did not have this anymore. I had to learn that i have to be grateful for the season I am in. There's no way I can change it, so I had to surrender and stop resisting what He had for me. I have to cherish it now, my heart tries to repeat incessantly.

Finally when I began to understand, faintly, trying, etching out a pattern in the light. Things began to come into place. I realized it's not about the location of my body but my heart, how out of alignment my heart was.

I had hated the loneliness, despised the pain, the season. Wished for the ending and longed to play blame. But my troubles were reasons to rejoice, the chaos was reason to find solution and become a problem solver. The awareness of sin and the ache that caused was to keep a cleansing that was to be mine as long as my weak frame does settle this earth.

When do I ever find myself letting God know me? You know, that is all that will ever matter. It would all be waste if at the end of my life Jesus said, "I don't know her." The greatest fear-arousing possibility. (good fear, awe and worship) The terror and wonder and awestruck love it inspires.

Writing helps me breathe, so I continue to write. may it be unappreciated if only life giving to me and pleasing to my Father. Joy exuding, a walk unceasing. Stretching farther than my words extends God's love. Right through me, despite me. Right beside me I see him daily through my sister, through my needs being miraculously met, through so much to thank Him for.

God decided mercy for my life.

His gust blew me. I was of grief, stretched far and wide, my sins entangling me in silence akin to death. His love stretched farther and BROUGHT ME TO LIFE, throughout the questions and silence it awakened a knowing where there had not been one. He took off my guilt and exchanged it for forgiveness. That was all I needed.

Jesus brought ME TO LIFE.

It is in the desert He gives me a song, in the wilderness where He prepares me, to be a voice and not an echo.

You can't be a messenger without a message.

Hosea 2:14-15

'Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards, 

And will make a door of hope.

There she will sing as in the days of her youth,

As in the day she came up out of Egypt.'

I was crowned a queen and never gave up my crown, a systematic pleasure.

You can't be a messenger without a message. I am learning this is what is important: to KNOW Him and be known by Jesus, and after that, to be a voice and not an echo.