Sunday, July 28, 2013


I've just been thinking on this over and over this morning: I'm forgiven.  Letting it sink in...the truth, the reality, not just some, but all.  He doesn't just forgive everything I've ever said, done, or thought against Him and then one day will find something to hold against me.  He has forgiven me.  Completely...

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

7.24.2013 {What Happened: Part 2}

It's truly hard for me to be honest like this and post it, but I hope God uses it, somewhere & somehow.

Finally, you are all getting part 2!!!  but it's not going to end like you thought.  or I thought.  Basically... the part two to my "What Happened?" post was supposed to be that I was in Kansas City, MO, at IHOP.
but did I make it to KC?  no.  am I here, at home?  yes.  And the logical conclusion I've come to is to not go.
The problem is I had desires for being there that I just can't put into words and I would need a place to stay there and I have no idea what I'd do about that.  It's not like I can't figure it out.  But let's be honest here: it is like I can't figure it out...
There are so many things that are so random in this post, by the way....
I could just write all this for myself, God sees it, it's done, and I delete it.  But what if God wants to use it?  Other people's things from their lives have blessed me, and sometimes seeing the raw honestness of others is what I appreciate most about their friendship.  This post is just for me to say anything and then go back over and edit and that will be that.  And it is committed to the Lord, so I know it will be a success.  Oh, and yesterday was my brother's birthday (I wrote that on July 7.  His birthday was on the 6th...).
This blog is a journal for me.  I delight in recording the Lord's faithfulness to me.
I read this verse the evening of June 26th that was SO encouraging to me: Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act. Psalm 37:5
Some things I need to do:
1.  Go back in life and have my parent's blessing over this blog.  So convicted in this matter.  Please pray for me.
2.  Make good decisions with my life.
The song Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United has been SUCH a blessing to me.  My friend Shelby shared it with me.  Sometimes I feel that songs by a band such as Hillsong would just be superficial or powerless.  I hope that is understandable.  For example, imagine having a "friend" who yes, loved Jesus, but being able to see that person liking this seemingly culturally Christian material and then when it comes to the heart of the matter, honestly just being disappointed in that person's life:  living with the name Christian but not walking the walk with passion.  Does that make sense?  But then at the same time I don't mean to be judgmental or rude.
One of my cautions with starting a blog like this was something I read from the Rebelution once.  It was a review of the Rebelution saying how amidst all the sea of emotionally turbulent, meaningless blogs in the world, the Rebelution stood out as PURPOSEFUL and not stupid like the others.  So basically I've had this mindset that blogs are bad (no, not that blogs are bad, just this incessant knowing that all those descriptions are so decrepit and low value and so lacking what life should be like...).  But then I have a blog.  What is the coherence behind this?  No, blogs aren't bad, but my striving in and through this blog is to not have this be at all in any sense of those words able to be described as that.  I want it devoted to God, a reflection of Him, and having those same qualities that the Rebelution was honored to be described as.
Random comment: some people are just so beautiful.  you can just glance their way and for me at least maybe the wording to describe this is wordless.  or full of questions.  How did they become like this?  What were all the things that made them who they are?
I've come to despise something in myself: I'm so sick of being so miserable or (what can I say?) such an emotional turbulence.  As my sister Nicole said of me: "you are an emotional roller-coaster"
In regard to my lovely sister, sadly, we've had quite our share of yelling matches.  and I say this to confess.  I want to be closer with my friends, and confession to godly friends, to believers, is cleansing.  Yes, it hurts to have such a label and be the cause of such sin, but I don't want others to live in this darkness so I want to confess my own sins.  I want to be free and speak with kindness and understanding always, and I want God to use both my sister's life and mine.  Yelling matches are wrong.  Just like it says all over Paul's letters, that anger at others and fighting is not from God.  It's of the old man, and it can feel embarrassing to confess sin, but this doesn't define me and I don't live with the guilt of it.  I'm not proud of it.  It's wrong.  and it's out there, confessed and forsaken to the body of believers God has blessed me with.  May you never have the same sin and yell at others!
You know, I feel like I've been hiding, and saying all this feels so good just to let it out.
It's like my coffee date with my friend Kate.  She said, "doesn't it feel good to just let this all out?"  yes, yes it actually does.
There's so many people I could list that I want to get to know better.
Even now....wanna know a  confession/struggle/please pray for me moment: I'm typing in the middle of the night.  so technically I'm doing something my mom would not want me to do.  Namely, if she walked in, the computer would not be up anymore.  In my room.  Sitting on my bed.  With the laptop on my desk.  But this desk belongs to God.  There are obviously problems with me...
I think as believers devoted to the Word sometimes maybe just a little bit we're all "woe is me/I'm such a horrid sinner" but then in more important matters like saying, "I'm actually admitting that I'm doing something (insert: my mom, who God gave me) wouldn't like" we hardly dare to touch those subjects.
It's when we know something's wrong that we can let God change those things in us and forgive us and help us walk life differently.
"When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace." This is just so good.  (from that song called Oceans that I mentioned)  it reminds me of going boating and imagining the water rising in the lake and just resting safely and peacefully in the arms of my Savior as if He (Jesus) was really there present in body.  Of course, we are given the Holy Spirit for now, but I would imagine Jesus holding me because He (God) is God himself in flesh.  (Of course he is now at the right hand of God now interceding for us.)
So, what were some of my ambitions?
First of all, I wanted to go back to the school I left and light the people there on fire for Christ.  (well, God light them on fire!  not me!)
I wanted to speak at Wayzata High School and see so many people come to know the Lord.

One night I remember just hanging with my head down from my bed and being in complete marvel at this revelation that my life was to be for music and medical missions.  I want to share a story that will encourage you to guard your heart and to know the worth of this at least from my opinion (it's really from the Word) and to encourage you to share your heart with your parents and DO NOT be "in a relationship" with someone without your parent's blessing and direction (not meant to sound legalistic.  just my strong conviction).  At this point, there was a man of God that I was HOPING would maybe be the man I marry (this was years ago).  Okay, now you're thinking, "now did she really just go that deep?"
Let me sidetrack: I'm on a journey to have better communication with my parents.  My goals are to have their blessing over everything and to share my heart with them.  So it needs to be known that I'm not just sharing this with the world at large but with my parents and it is a testimony of sorts.  at least, a very broken one, and I would hope it is a testimony.
long story short: we never said to each other we were thinking of the possibility of marriage, but we "just talked" and then I was getting weirded out and started thinking he was weird and with the boundaries of wanting to guard my heart and not show to him that I had been thinking of him as potential, I didn't know where to stand.  I was weirded out by certain things and that is a disgrace on ME.  even to say that.  but he was so amazing I "felt God leading me to stop communicating with him."  so I did.  I stopped talking with him.  I would greatly recommend following God's leading always, and in guarding your heart.  If anything, that is my message here and the point I desire to make.  and I prayed for God to give him a godly wife and voila, he's courting a godly young woman!  I was legitimately thrilled.  Not even joking.  I do desire to be a godly wife and mother (I would start this journey today if I could), but that was not the when and where God had for me (and mostly because it all did not align with my desires, which God so graciously sees and honors.  He cares about what we dislike/do like.  He cares about all those little things.  And yes, once we're married, it's a commitment for life, but before that happens, we may have little preferences that we're waiting on God for and he sees that and I'm sure does something about.  as we delight in Him, he gives us the desires of our heart and helps us honor Him in everything we say and do.)

thank God my heart was fully guarded by Him.  that was my striving.  to constantly guard my heart.  I remember once or maybe twice thinking, "I feel like this is stuff I would only share with my husband" so I think that wasn't as guarded as it should have been but I say fully guarded because that is what I believe God has done.  If you feel convicted by God to withhold information/words from a guy, withhold it.  It IS WORTH IT.  Whatever is NOT of faith is SIN.  go with faith.  trust the Holy Spirit.
now, why am I posting this online?
first and foremost: to glorify God.
two: I AM using self-control.
three: I want my story to both spur you on to purity and also delight yourself in God and become the woman of God HE wants you to be and also know I am not perfect (so this is a way of confessing my struggle with guarding my heart and thus being healed)
four: to be a good example to others (and yes I braved to say this because I believe by faith God can do this...not that I'm not a good example but I say it in the way of I don't want to be boasting or saying of myself that I'm a good example.  but it's what I would strive to do and I think it's a noble goal/worthy ambition that can practically challenge me.  maybe that's the wording I'm looking for.  CHALLENGE.  it sounds like such a refreshing challenge to continue to strive to actually be a good example to others.)
note: if on Pinterest I have kissing pictures it is not to lead you astray from honoring God.  I've saved and am saving my first kiss for marriage.  I purposefully put them in the home board because they are inspiration to me of a loving marriage, at HOME, with the husband.
It is so important to save yourself not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually for your husband, if it is God's will for you to one day marry.
Random comment to you but mostly to myself: PRIDE COMES BEFORE A FALL.  do you realize how much I need this truth from the Word?  My brokenness before God is EVER before me.  I am constantly messing up in the area of pride.  and then I fall.  it's not that fun.  and then I can't figure out how to be humble.  like if anything, it's a lesson to me that I need to admit that I can't even be humble before God.  Like faith is a gift and so is humility.  and I LONG for it.  I want humility before the Lord so much.
also note, I want to strive always through Christ to keep your focus on Christ.  To always have eyes on Him because that is what the Word says.

let me stop and discuss a quote with you:
"the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt he is."
now, I don't doubt God is in my situations.  I KNOW he is here.  I have a godly woman in my life who herself just reiterated that the song says "without you I am nothing/breathing" or something but God IS with us so we ARE something.
I could doubt people are on my blog, though.  NOW THIS is my problem.  This blog is important to me (God is most important, though hehe).  and I have this list on the side that tells of where people are reading from.  now before you call me emotional or narcissistic (accusations which can be verified not nullified sorry please forgive me I repent yes I do), it is SO hard for me to look on my blog and see that NO ONE went and visited it.  and instead of having a pity party, I need to learn something from this.
now, my decision is supposed to be that I went to KC (like I said at the beginning of the post).
But my decision is to stay at home, read many many books and study guides, ABSOLUTELY NOT go to a community college (this was actually suggested to me when...I did not tell the truth and said I had no idea what to do with my life.  not true.), NOT go to Bethel University, read & research colleges and their majors & their descriptions, NOT go to Association Free Lutheran Bible School (AFLBS...I love you Anna Franz and Megan Zilmer, though!!!),
Why did I stop my nanny job?  Why?  this was a question I asked myself.  it was as if I couldn't explain myself to myself.
If you haven't already noticed, I obvi enjoy writing.
Now, there are some things to be shared with certain people, not just anyone, right?  that is wisdom, am I correct or am I correct?  thanks I thought so.
My journey has been an interesting one, and I don't want to have lost friends over it.  Godly, amazing friends, please don't be tired of me.  Please have mercy on me.  I don't have life figured out, and if I should, God's the only one who has ultimate wisdom and knowledge, not I.  I used to be stuck with the hatred of myself for being insulted: I was told I only speak in vague nothings that make no common sense.  why thank you.  always what I wanted to hear from you.  not.
do I ever feel lonely?  no.  but then there is that factor of wanting/desiring to hear from people.  to have multitudes of those people who love me to see that I've made a decision of what to do with my life and to hear their encouraging comforting supporting words like before.  (so there's my life in a nutshell.  all the embarrassing unholy things about me.)  only I've unwillingly played wolf.  My whole post of "What Happened?" was to have a part two.  And it was because there was more to say.  at least I think I thought.  But all I could think to say in it later if it did exist ever was that "I was in KC now."  that would be a shocker.  but a blessing shocker.  a good thing.  a miracle of God.  an obedience on my part.  something for us all to rejoice in and praise Jesus for.
but it didn't happen that way.  basically because I don't know how to figure it all out.  I'm sure if I really tried and if it was God's will it would happen.  Don't get me wrong.  But it's all discouraging to not want any comments on if it's even a legit place to be.  (not like I've gotten any recently)  so I have two choices:  either say it just hasn't happened yet or basically what I would be doing if I said it's not going to happen (not in a depressed way) would be to give up.  and I say this with a LOT of emphasis, as in not in a way of "oh, I've surrendered this to the Lord/gave it up and now LOOK just like Abraham He's given it back to me"  I think that's really how I operate with God.  I totally do that to him.  I place something in his hands and then totally expect to get it back and it'll be better than I could've ever asked, dreamed, or imagined.
but you know what?  I've read posts by others that I've been disappointed in because they left me cliff hanging.  but that's not a deep enough description:  they felt like they didn't tell the whole story/the whole truth.  well, this is not going to be this post.  I'm giving it all here.  by God's grace, I'm not going to leave out or hide from you what I should tell you.
did the thought of just STAYING home just scare me so much?  I REFUSED in my heart to let that happen to me.  But at the same time I had all these wonderful examples of godly daughters living at home with purpose.  I even read a book about this!  yes.  in fact it sounded perhaps more horrendous and ugly and horrifying and anger-causing in me than going somewhere.  forgive my anger.
I'm not going to ever marry a man who will yell or have anger problems.  and I don't say this with pride.  I cannot succumb to this.  I don't care how handsome he is or if he even asks to.  i'm not trying to be prideful and better than my parents.  NO, they are amazing.  My parents are AMAZING.  I just even think of all they've gone through to keep a roof over my family's head!!!  how noble they are.  how they provide!  how they seek God.  goodness, my mom, you should see her.  she just pursues spiritual growth like something I've never seen before.  and it's been a life-long fire since her acceptance of Christ when she was eight.
I got to say, when I find things my sister Nicole has written, my heart strings are touched.  I find someone living right next door to me who has such a soul and our mere existence was just in the door. out the door. be awkward by saying hi joyfully to your sister.  see her going to school in her outfit sometimes but mostly I was asleep when she would leave.  a pretty sad existence.  turns out she was struggling with things I didn't even realize.  I didn't realize she viewed her life as before & after picture of dad's surgery.  so did I.  I didn't realize when she just went and played soccer by herself so many hours that she was feeling so empty. (forgive me Nicole if you ever read this and feel like I'm sharing too much about you....I hope not...)
now here's my failures: I just think I can post without my parents' blessing and without asking about stuff I should ask permission from others about if I'm posting about them.  I need to be submitted to the authorities in my life no matter what.  I am to honor them.  I am to bless them.
I've wanted for so long to take more pictures of life.
and I'm so sick of being this emotional person instead of joyfully telling about life.  and I'm sorry for my sins.  I'm sorry for anything you could end up pointing out about this post that you don't like.  I'm sure you have legitimate reasons.
So, current happenings:
1. my email has been hacked, so I didn't have access to it for a whole month!  praise God, for He doesn't malfunction even though email has!  It was really weird not having email for this month and then so weird getting it back this evening.
2. I've purposed in my heart not to take the lead.  I trust God.  I trust God knows my heart.  I know that there could be serious repercussions in marrying a man I "showed interest in" who actually wasn't valuable because I initiated.  Like the worthy man would be the one who first acts like a man.  Such as if he ever wants me to be married, to let myself be pursued.  I'm going to leave things where I left them and stop.  It's called self-control and it would save a lot of women from being WITH a man who doesn't treat her like a lady at all times, who doesn't provide (literally), who doesn't buy for the woman, who is someone to be constantly annoyed at, to be the constant elephant horrible person and man in the room, to be ugly, to be someone friends think it's so weird that that girl is with him..., who doesn't live on his knees before the Father, who....goodness, I could just go on and on couldn't I?  Girls, don't settle for less.  Use your lives wisely and share your thoughts with your parents.  Priscilla (Anna Duggar's sister) out of her own initiative shared this with me last fall at Nationals.  It blessed me so much when she talked about this with me.
3. to stop talking about just marriage (i'm honestly so obsessed so sorry guys) and tell you all about the great books I'm reading and what God is doing as I step out of my home with my parents' blessing and serve Him (meaning the plan committed to the Lord now is to stay home and to serve the Lord outside the home FROM the home)!  Please forgive me if I've directed your hearts to places they shouldn't be.  Please just do what's right and forgive any offense I've caused to you.  I want your focus to be RIGHT in God's eyes and to prepare today for the wonderful future God has for you.
4. You don't just accept the first man to ask to court you.  Who cares??  seriously.  if he's ugly (haha just had to say that) gently say no thank you (and pray God helps him in that area)  If he has flaws, refuse to give in just because you want to marry him.  trust me it's not worth it (speaking from parental experience...they have shared so much wisdom with me by their very lives!).  use discernment and say no thank you (and pray God helps him straighten out his flaws and give you self-control and discernment to keep staying away from an unequally yoked human being).
5. What did I do with this year?  the National Bible Bee from June till November.  I took care of my dying grandma in the winter and personally nursed her back to life.  God did it, not me (that's what I mean when I say I did something.  obviously God is the one doing everything).  God revived her back to a stable (but not in any way perfect) condition.  she could still die any day.  doctors said she would die last winter or within the next six months.  but God revived her back.  now the common thread would be to either just assume he'll keep doing that for years or look at the actual picture and just one day all of a sudden she's gone and that piano song she asked me to choose and prepare for her funeral I would be playing before her friends with tears streaming from my eyes and memories stinging like a heart being torn and shredded and thrown on the ground.
I have a lot of growing to do.  the emotionalness I hope stays only with me in pregnancies (that's supposed to happen right?) and I pray I would grow in maturity so I'm not being all arrogant about the memories of people in high schools being called emo and then seriously probably acting the same way they all felt inside even though the way they dressed was so repulsive and saddening and sickening.  I mean I think I just need to grow.
am I just so depressing that you all can't bear to hear me write anymore??
With one thought, she spun to the depths of the Grand Canyon and reveled in God's majesty. lol just something I thought up.  completely unrelated.
I don't want to be a writer who fails in the manner of purity and of a radiantly pure courtship if it is ever God's will for me to marry.  All in all, God has just been teaching me in these matters, sinful as I am, and I'm grateful for what he has taught me and ask for the grace to live it out if it is ever His will for me.  If not, I would pray it would be helpful to others' lives!
truth be told:  I've been very sad and lonely lately and it's so hard to say because it makes me feel so unworthy in so many ways.  And with the topic of marriage, it's NOT like I've been feeling lonely in that sense.  It's just this loneliness and sadness for how my life hasn't gone like I'd particularly planned.  even more ugly and depressed than before.
it obviously doesn't make me one who's fun to be around.
I am letting revival begin in me right here, right now.
random note: so many times homeschool for me was only listening to praise music or the people on Christian radio talking about all these things.
If you know me, I use a lot of quotes.  Whenever I see a good one I've usually done something with it like stored in a Word document or reposted or put it on facebook or SOMETHING.  well, this one speaks of what I've recently "gone through."
"God has allowed hard things in your life so you can show the world that your God is great and that knowing Him brings peace and joy, even when life is hard." (Francis Chan)
I was THIS close to joining Acts School (the missions school to unreached people groups) this July.  I was THIS close to starting CollegePlus this summer.  I was THIS close to moving to IHOP this summer.  I was just as close almost moving there in April (before being contacted from the momma asking for help taking care of her baby boys because of the father leaving their family).
I don't want to be a haughty stuck up person who speaks rudely to her children and to others her age.
a prideful person.
and when I just up and left my nanny job (there is a story) I then didn't know what to do with my mission trip hoped for (but at the same time not hoped for).  So, I'm not going on the mission trip in August, I asked her to find someone else for the nanny job, I'm STILL praying for the family and my goal is (please have mercy and help, Lord!) to not stop praying until their family is back together.  It (planning on going on the mission trip) was a strange sort of love-hate relationship.
I love you all (whoever you are reading this) in Christ and am so thankful for you.  God is good and God is faithful.  and it feels so good to get this out and open up a bit, despite my human nature that seems to always get in the way.  Praise God that He gives us victory over our sinfulness and is sanctifying us all (believers)!

Friday, July 12, 2013


Taking care of the neighbors' kids tonight.  Pray for them this evening if God leads you to!  also, please pray for me, as God has been directing some changes in my heart.  my boxes are unpacked.  and ask God for the nations to know Him:)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

from Psalm 45

You are the most excellent of men
    and your lips have been anointed with grace,
    since God has blessed you forever.

Clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.
In your majesty ride forth victoriously
    in the cause of truth, humility and justice;
    let your right hand achieve awesome deeds.


This whole passage on Christ is so encouraging, as we can know His goodness and glory and strength is what the Word says!

Give Me the Faith {a repost}

Give me the faith which can remove
And sink the mountain to a plain;
Give me the childlike praying love,
Which longs to build Thy house again;
Thy love, let it my heart overpower,
And all my simple soul devour.

I want an even strong desire,
I want a calmly fervent zeal,
To save poor souls out of the fire,
To snatch them from the verge of hell,
And turn them to a pardoning God,
And quench the brands in Jesus’ blood.

I would the precious time redeem,
And longer live for this alone,
To spend and to be spent for them
Who have not yet my Savior known;
Fully on these my mission prove,
And only breathe, to breathe Thy love.

My talents, gifts, and graces, Lord,
Into Thy blessed hands receive;
And let me live to preach Thy Word,
And let me to Thy glory live;
My every sacred moment spend
In publishing the sinner’s Friend.

Enlarge, inflame, and fill my heart
With boundless charity divine,
So shall I all strength exert,
And love them with a zeal like Thine,
And lead them to Thy open side,
The sheep for whom the Shepherd died.

"Give Me the Faith" by Charles Wesley

So Jesus answered and said to them, “Have faith in God.  For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.  Mark 11:22-23

by Abigail


Friends, thank you for all the prayers you have prayed for me.  I am so grateful for each and every one of you.  God is good, and He is faithful.