Friday, December 12, 2014

hello december, so long yesterday

when you miss someone and the pain is like a picture.  you think of the december, of last year, of august, of april, months gathering like a dust you never thought would be so consuming.  you thought life was supposed to happen differently, faster, according to your perfect timelines.

when current desires are dimming the old, and when you realize it, a certain sadness creeps in.  yet a joy too.  but i despise the new joy and wish for the old sadness.

every picture a memory too strong, a longing null and surrendered.  a place to be now a different place, and you are just being.

but it's not like you thought.  it's much different.  it's dead of winter.

and you start to fear that everyone knows, everyone can see your inconsistencies and the things that embarrass and you wish it was silent, hidden, forgiven.

the face of love that helped you through, the silent, firm hand that made you come alive.  you knew it would, and you were right.

i'm afraid i'm not good at hoping.  i'm better at being pessimistic, and i wish that could change.

too many strange thoughts of hope.  brotherhood attractive to a holy hoping soul.  don't think it strange.  one day you will see the recompense.  i know one day you will see, and maybe it will even make tears for you to wash your thirsty face.

april fifteenth 2 0 1 4

a journal from april.

I know that there are a lot of messes to clean in the house, but it's late and I'm listening to Prophetic Ministry in the End Times by IHOP.
I want to be pure in heart, but I am the farthest from that.  I see my own inconsistencies, and they are not 'perfect imperfections.'  They are beasts, howling and tearing at those around me.  I wish for so much but knowledge does not take me far in life.
The disorder in my life is not because of others.  It is because of MYSELF.  My faults are not others' faults.  I am such a fallen creature, my dust flies far when I fall.

an arrogant smile has definitely been mine.
offenses have been my burden to bear the knowledge that I have borne to others.
the humans i so dearly love would so clearly see my impurities, my glaring indifference to their point of view.

I am not wise to know and not put to action.  It is only wise to apply that knowledge.
Wishing that I could be a better person.
Trying to be thankful, be graceful.  To not let honesty supercede love.//