Thursday, April 9, 2015

Before Mission Trip Post (On Anger and Butterflies, written two days before I leave, which would be the morning of the 7th)

It is 3 freakin 29 in the morning and I am wide awake.  (haven't fallen asleep all night even trying) My heart pounded so loud when I got still enough earlier tonight/morning.

I'm pondering anger.  It's a feeling we tend to suppress, or maybe that's just me.  Why do we get angry?  For me, I have just experienced anger last night.  The let down of humans who just plain don't care enough.  It makes me angry.  I'm so ruined by Christians who speak the speak and don't love the lovers.  Maybe it's just selfish me.  Maybe it's just overly-intuitive me.  But I'm tired up angry.  Beet red angry hearted.

My hair is bothering me.  I can't sleep.  God, He is there for me through thick and thin.  Only problem is the people in my life only want to see the thick.  They don't imagine there is (grammatically should be 'are' but I am enjoying the 'is') thin circumstances in my life that I have HAD to deal with.  They don't see that outwardly I have that kind of family, or those types of struggles.  It's like a dream I had when I was a little girl.  I dreamed that this girl in my class was at my birthday party and when I went to the bathroom, she was in shock and said "I didn't know YOU went to the bathroom.  I thought girls like you didn't even need to pee."  Like that I was so perfect that I didn't go to the bathroom.  Oh dear..

Well that's what my life feels like.  I have placed myself in vulnerable places sharing my story and what I get is some acceptance, some people who couldn't care less if they saw me another day in their lives.

Back to the dream story.  I grew up with that stigma.  The stigma of classmates labeling me as the perfect one, thus I was avoided.  Turns out I would think the things I was excluded from were boring things anyway.  I am excited by depths, dignity, things that are hard to understand.  They like movies.  (and lots of other things too) Movies bore me.

Flash forward to my eleventh grade year.  I started watching movies.  By myself.  On my laptop.  STUPID decision.  Why was it stupid?  I don't know.  Please know I am not judging others when I say this, only myself, because I was NOT entertained highly enough by these movies.  Does that make sense?  I said I was NOT entertained enough.  Sorry if that was too intense.  This was a place when I did not with JOY do what was most edifying to my soul.  Intimacy with Jesus brings JOY. Praying for other believers brings HEALING.

I was not entertained, and I don't like being entertained.  However, that absense of feeling FULL shows I was made for something more.  Prayer is what entertains me.  Think of this: one definition of prayer is entertaining God.  When we pray we are entertaining God.  I would like to think I too am being entertained, that my attention is being kept and filled up with life: so in that sense it is much more than entertainment.

I have felt so much life ebbing and flowing through me this year, such an ache to write, and also an anger at those who left me.  To be honest, it was finally when I got godly friends and was communicating regularly in those relationships that then they left me.  One got married.  Another, oh and another, married.  I was not invited to the wedding.  Granted maybe we lost touch but that was one of the main things I was looking forward to in life: going to said person's wedding one day.

I will probably lose you as a friend as well because people don't stay faithful.  People move on, and it's rude.  People don't care, and that's rude.  And you probably thought of a rebuttal to the prior sentence if you are a certain person whose name I shall not mention.  And I will say, in my opinion, your rebuttal is also rude.

Wow, this sounds like a really angry post.  I wish I could just fall asleep.  Where is the ministry in this?