All my hope is in You, Lord!
Tonight I was feeling very defeated. I truly want to be away from these trials/rise up with wings like eagles and strong and courageous and knowing God move truly and getting victory. I've given in to temptations to think thoughts I know are evil. Forgive me, Lord. I do not pretend that I am mastering living by grace. I know my failure is so huge that it not only encompasses many failures but also the inability to see how exactly I failed or what sin led to the failures or how I might fix things.
Greek words that have encouraged me:
kalen (used so many times in 1+2 Timothy!---This one I call my favorite Greek word right now! It is flooring to think of this word being in Greek with this simple and beautiful meaning and purpose.
charis-grace, kindness
I AM BEGGING God for his grace and kindness. I've heard that I am not to come to Him as a beggar but as a child. But I'll humble myself and first come as a beggar.
Am I really a child of God?
Where is the proof?
God has lavished His love on me!
So thankful for all the people who've worked behind the scenes for the 2012 National Bible Bee, Convergence, and "As in the Days of Noah."
Another Greek word meaning:
makrothumia-when you could get revenge, not going for that; patience, long-suffering (an attribute of the Holy Spirit in Galatians 5:23!)
-from 2 Timothy 3:10 and 2 Timothy 4:2
How can I get victory like Israel did?
How should I march around the walls 7 times?
How must I be foolish to be wise?
Where is the Holy Spirit leading me?
Will He use Nationals to provide the finances to go on His missions?
We left our house in record time! Dad and I are very excited about that!
Are the obstacles I'm facing merely giants in the land that I am not to be afraid of?
Huge obstacles:
No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. I'm sure God delights in my weak love, but it's just that-weak. All the smart homeschooled people who can recite word-perfectly when I cannot! I just wish I could stop placing 49th + 60th + 70th. I didn't even know that Dad drives 45 minutes to work every day. I know this, but when picking him up from work to head on our way, I realized how long he drives day after day for our family. I'm so thankful for him and proud of him. He is amazing! He really loves God and leads our family to honor and love Him.
I don't want people to praise me. I want people to have a high opinion of God. I want to win for legitimate reasons, but are my reasons not great enough?
All my delight is in Him, but I fear I am not abiding in Him well enough.
Set a tract from the red ones from Ignite on the counter for the gas station worker around Wisconsin Dells! praise Jesus for boldness. One down. A lot to go. That was our first gas station stop.
I'm so sorry for all my sins, and I ask him for the strength to change. I know that even if someone else has set a bad example for me and scared me into thinking God is still against me even when I humble myself truly before him. I know this isn't true. I know God is for me! God loves me, even when others don't have the time to help with real needs I face. God loves the humble. He crowns the humble with salvation. He doesn't close the door on them and turn them away. He loves us. He loves the humble. I want to be humble. I want to humbly see people come to the light out of darkness. I'm ready for you to use me God. By your strength, I courageously ask you to break me, mold me, cleanse me, and use me for your noble purposes.
I still desire to win, even though it looks impossible, even when it's already Tuesday and so much review is necessary on my part to be fully RESPONSIBLE before the Lord. I strive to be a champion. I strive to not give up. I strive to repent. I strive to be true. Through Jesus Christ, my Savior and LORD. I strive to be a blessing to others.
I can't just give up. I can't just let myself do poorly or not make it. Jesus, come renew that closeness we once had that gave me such uprightness and true life and true victory. But add to that the humility and kindness to others unlike me that I lacked. I want to have studied hard, so hard I gave every last drop of myself. I want it to be said that I gave my very best. i am so lousy. I need to do my best job! My absolute ALL!
Enduring.
9:00
Great. Just realized I left papers at home.
Fill me with faith, hope, and love Jesus!
Destroy how the enemy's trying to destroy me!
Reason I shouldn't win in the natural: I post too much on FB and blog to be a winner.
Stop the pity party. It is my responsibility to be strong. I am COMMANDED to be strong, to strengthen my weak legs + feeble knees, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Natural reason: it took me all fall to even finish the summer study.
Grateful: they're (my family) coming on this trip for my sake! Wow!
So thankful! Of course, they're all glad to come together on a vacation, but their support + love for me is tremendous.
My "man of self"=ungratefulness NOOO!
let's pursue righteousness!
Remaining plan of action:
perfect all verses
pray
perfect all notecards
last 11 pgs. of Bible study
study 1 Timothy inductively
Perfect current Greek words
trust God's Word
KNOW God
be joyful
AND...ALL cross-references
11.14.2012 Set out 13 gospel tracts in the bathroom and building of the rest (truck) stop in Indiana. One more left on the telephone booth.
One left under U of T shirt.
So thankful for the massive prayer support that has gone into this.
Tried to sleep last night but didn't (had slept all day on Tuesday thought, but after being up late packing Mon. night).
I've just been doing nothing, feeling like one who is losing, not winning, one who has lost, not won, who lost, who didn't win at all in
Accidentally/unintentionally through Knoxville. Gospel to homeless man. Tons of homeless people.
12.12.12
I love you, LORD.
2012 National Bible Bee Journal Ends Here :)
This place is seriously like heaven on earth. When I'm not with everyone, it feels like it was a dream a bit thinking back on it.
All my delight is in you, Kurios.
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